Missed Holidays - Expected for LE, Continue for Disabled

When they go into this career as law enforcement officers, we know our family will be spending a lot of holidays, birthdays, dinners, ballgames, recitals and programs without them there; but we always think about the someday. Someday they will be retired and able to be present for every birthday, holiday,  dinner, ballgame, etc. Granted, it will likely be with grandkids, rather than our own kids. Hopefully they will be close by, or we will travel! Oh the dreams... but... trauma and pain crashes those dreams.
Nobody could have prepared us for this long life after trauma where he still misses  birthdays, holidays, dinners, ballgames, recitals and time with our family and friends.

We used to love having friends over for dinner, and going to friends' homes for dinner. We used to love going out for dinner, to movies, for hikes, playing games, so many things.

As I look back through albums and thumb drives, he is strangely missing from so many family pictures because he had to leave, or never went... life for everyone else went on without him there. There are family picnics, holidays, graduation parties, birthday parties for grandkids, even vacations where he was in the hotel room a lot while the rest of us did things without him.

Nobody could have prepared us for a lonely life after line of duty disability. Police work stole him away the first 13 years, we expected that. Pain and trauma stole him away the next 21 years (and counting), that breaks my heart every time. So often I need to be present for both of us, to always be trying to find the balance between the right amount of time with him and the rest of our world. It is exhausting.

Pain, whether physical or physiological or both, steals so much from the person experiencing it and the people who love that person as well. Those who do not have a frame of reference for actually living with severe chronic pain are currently making decisions about limiting options for care. These decisions have been a source of so much added stress, pressure, and high risk painful and invasive procedures that cost a lot of money with little to no benefit. There has to be a point where a patient can say "enough... just help me manage the pain and live life. I take responsibility for the risks." It used to be that way, but we see that eroding now, and are fearful of what that means for life going forward. Will life be even more isolated and miserable? Why does it have to be that way? 

(I know, I know... it is all messed up because of those who abuse illegal drugs... but those truly suffering should not be the ones paying the price for criminals and addicts)

God, I pray you show us your purpose and continue to guide us through this journey. There has to be a solution. 

In the mean time, check in on your LOD disabled friends. They're still out there struggling to do life, and although they've probably declined an invitation (or several) because they were not up to going out, that does not mean they want to feel alone or left out. They just are not in a position that gives them a lot of options. Pain is one thing. Alone in pain is yet another.

Hope Through The Pain

Pain… it is something all of us have known; a headache, a prick of a needle, a tooth ache, or even a broken bone… These are temporary and can be excruciating for a time. We can’t wait for time to pass, the wound to heal and the pain to go away. When it does, we tend to take for granted the time that is pain free, the time that falls between this pain and the next time we step on a Lego or stub our toe in the dark. Chronic pain is something entirely different, and something a few are burdened with day in and day out.

With chronic pain, there is never a break from the pain, only times when the intensity of pain may vary. How do you go on day after day with the knowledge that there is not going to be a break? How do you face tomorrow with hope rather than being consumed with depression and hopelessness?

Ladd’s pain management doctor has frequently commented on his positive attitude and his willingness to get out and work… on his eagerness to be a productive member of society in spite of the great amount of pain he wrestles with. He has commented over and over on patients with far less acute levels of pain who pressure him for disability ratings vs patients like Ladd who seek to manage their pain so they can function and use their abilities rather than be secluded with their disabilities.

While there is no doubt that intense, ongoing pain can be very disabling, what makes some people able to push forward through the pain and continue to serve others in the process? Living alongside of one who has done this for almost 12 years now, I have observed four character traits that appear to be at the heart of living in hope despite pain. 

1) Faith – Faith in God and knowledge that this world, with its pain and disappointment, is only temporary… that Jesus overcame the pain of the cross so that we would one day join Him in Heaven where there is forever no pain. This is the long term view that has a positive long term outcome over a focus on thoughts of 24/7/365 pain that can completely drag down and defeat. In the short term, trust that God’s got things in his control and each day is a new opportunity helps make the most of each day. (John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. and John 14:2 In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.)

2) Servant’s Heart –  The same desire to serve people, to help others in need, that makes a good police officer remains even when that career is no longer possible. Serving others is a heart desire, part of the character of a person, and serving others in need takes focus off of our own needs and wants. (Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. and Proverbs 11:25 A generous person will prosper;  whoever refreshes others will be refreshed.)

3)  Desire to be Productive – Rather than focus on disabilities and what can no longer be done, there are plenty of things that can be done. Shifting focus to abilities, and off of disabilities, is encouraging and uplifting rather than depressing and self-defeating (This isn't necessarily easy, but it is uplifting). Accomplishing things, even if they seem small compared to tasks from before injury (ie: working 2 hours a day with kids instead of working full time chasing criminals), and contributing to family and community is self-fulfilling and gratifying… leading to hope for what can be accomplished tomorrow. I am a firm believer that God will not call us to do something He hasn’t perfectly equipped us to do.

4)  Work Ethic – Life before pain set in established patterns of working to provide for family and self… not an attitude that anyone else should provide for or take care of us. Dedication to completing the task, even when it’s hard, was a way of life long before tragedy struck. While full time work or career may not be possible, a drive to try - to never give up - is grounded in a solid work ethic. Depending on the season, "work" may be physical therapy, rehab, school or training, etc. (Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, and 2 Corinthians 9:6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.)

These four character attributes all contribute greatly to the ability to persevere in spite of incredible pain. Add to that the support and love of family and friends, and you have a recipe for life that has hope in spite of unrelenting pain.

Understanding that chronic pain is draining, and stress compounded on exhaustion can weaken stamina as well as the immune system; allowing for rest and taking care to eat healthy and exercise is especially important for those suffering from chronic pain. There is a fine line between pushing  forward and getting necessary rest. Everyone’s line is different. We all need to balance, and finding it is a daily quest. Sometimes we miss, and fall off the horse. Faith helps refocus so we can get back on and try again… and again. Keep getting back on. No matter how hard the day, there is a sunset on the horizon to ride off into, and I want to ride into it together!