Nobody could have prepared us for this long life after trauma where he still misses birthdays, holidays, dinners, ballgames, recitals and time with our family and friends.
We used to love having friends over for dinner, and going to friends' homes for dinner. We used to love going out for dinner, to movies, for hikes, playing games, so many things.
As I look back through albums and thumb drives, he is strangely missing from so many family pictures because he had to leave, or never went... life for everyone else went on without him there. There are family picnics, holidays, graduation parties, birthday parties for grandkids, even vacations where he was in the hotel room a lot while the rest of us did things without him.
Nobody could have prepared us for a lonely life after line of duty disability. Police work stole him away the first 13 years, we expected that. Pain and trauma stole him away the next 21 years (and counting), that breaks my heart every time. So often I need to be present for both of us, to always be trying to find the balance between the right amount of time with him and the rest of our world. It is exhausting.
Pain, whether physical or physiological or both, steals so much from the person experiencing it and the people who love that person as well. Those who do not have a frame of reference for actually living with severe chronic pain are currently making decisions about limiting options for care. These decisions have been a source of so much added stress, pressure, and high risk painful and invasive procedures that cost a lot of money with little to no benefit. There has to be a point where a patient can say "enough... just help me manage the pain and live life. I take responsibility for the risks." It used to be that way, but we see that eroding now, and are fearful of what that means for life going forward. Will life be even more isolated and miserable? Why does it have to be that way?
As I look back through albums and thumb drives, he is strangely missing from so many family pictures because he had to leave, or never went... life for everyone else went on without him there. There are family picnics, holidays, graduation parties, birthday parties for grandkids, even vacations where he was in the hotel room a lot while the rest of us did things without him.
Nobody could have prepared us for a lonely life after line of duty disability. Police work stole him away the first 13 years, we expected that. Pain and trauma stole him away the next 21 years (and counting), that breaks my heart every time. So often I need to be present for both of us, to always be trying to find the balance between the right amount of time with him and the rest of our world. It is exhausting.
Pain, whether physical or physiological or both, steals so much from the person experiencing it and the people who love that person as well. Those who do not have a frame of reference for actually living with severe chronic pain are currently making decisions about limiting options for care. These decisions have been a source of so much added stress, pressure, and high risk painful and invasive procedures that cost a lot of money with little to no benefit. There has to be a point where a patient can say "enough... just help me manage the pain and live life. I take responsibility for the risks." It used to be that way, but we see that eroding now, and are fearful of what that means for life going forward. Will life be even more isolated and miserable? Why does it have to be that way?
(I know, I know... it is all messed up because of those who abuse illegal drugs... but those truly suffering should not be the ones paying the price for criminals and addicts)
God, I pray you show us your purpose and continue to guide us through this journey. There has to be a solution.
God, I pray you show us your purpose and continue to guide us through this journey. There has to be a solution.
In the mean time, check in on your LOD disabled friends. They're still out there struggling to do life, and although they've probably declined an invitation (or several) because they were not up to going out, that does not mean they want to feel alone or left out. They just are not in a position that gives them a lot of options. Pain is one thing. Alone in pain is yet another.
