The Other Injured Party - A Caregiver Spouse

When an LEO is critically injured, falls ill, etc. their life changes dramatically. Forced to retire from an active career by a sudden, and often catastrophic, event; a take charge person, such as a law enforcement officer accustomed to being in control of situations and wired to work that way, can be particularly devastated. Suddenly they are not in control, and sometimes this loss of control includes even some of the most personal and basic bodily functions and self-care. This loss of control, along with pain, emotional trauma, loss of friends and coworkers, loss of income and provider status, loss of independence, etc. requires a grieving process and significant adjustment. What focus there is, is generally on the injured party, which is needed for recovery and adjustment; but let’s take a look at the spouse, suddenly turned caregiver.

Without consciously recognizing this person's role, resentment (because they can be perceived as still having a 'normal' life by the injured spouse) and anger (as we tend to lash out at those who are closest to us and are 'safe' targets to vent to and release emotions to... remember LEOs are conditioned to not act emotionally) can divide and create an atmosphere ripe for conflict and vulnerable to separation and/or divorce. Recognizing that the spouse/caregiver also has a grieving process to go through is a critical step and a fork in the road. One path leads to togetherness and playing out the game as a team. The other road leads to isolation for both parties. This isn't a matter of blame, it is a matter of recognizing that a critical injury or illness does not happen in a bubble, and the wounded/ill party is not the only one facing major life changes. It seems like a simple concept, but when the gravity of a situation is high, it is hard to step back and see the perspective of others.

Some things to consider that a caregiver spouse is likely experiencing include:

· Grief at the loss or distance of their best friend/life partner

· Adjustment to the new person they are living with... they may be trying to figure out who this person is and how to fall in love with their spouse all over again

· Loss of friendships or interaction with friends as new responsibilities consume time

· Financial worries as they take on decisions that once were joint and now fall solely (at least for a time) on them

· 'Single' parenting

· Taking on a job (or new job) to support the family while still taking care of house, shopping, meals, laundry, schedules, parent/teacher conferences, vehicle maintenance, etc.

· Juggling medical appointments, prescriptions, physical therapy sessions, etc.

· Researching treatments and specialists

· Reconciling medical bills and insurance payments, and battling agencies and insurance companies

· Lack of sleep/rest and exhaustion, both physical and emotional

This list is by no means comprehensive, but is meant to help provide perspective. When a critical injury or illness strikes, a caregiver spouse needs some understanding along with their commitment to weather the storms... until death do us part. I honestly do not know how a relationship can survive these challenges without the strength and grace of God in it, through it, and on it.

Tip #1: If you are a caregiver spouse walking this road, don't walk it alone. I had the blessing of an Alzheimers caregiver support group when my husband was injured (my mom had Alzheimers). Unknowingly, they provided a great deal of help and understanding in working through that grief process as I came to terms with our 'new normal' 

Tip #2: If you are the injured/ill spouse, recognize your spouse's efforts to juggle so much and realize that their life is also turned upside down. Commit to walking the road together.

Tip #3: Spend time in prayer for your relationship and perspective, for strength, understanding and grace.

Tip #3 Decide ahead of time which fork you will take if that time comes in your relationship.